Ive been thinking.
If this is good or bad, you'll have to decide. Personally, I think it's.... a little of both.
Ive been thinking. Well, wondering really. Yes, there IS a difference. Silly meat human.
Am I really happy?
I have a pretty awesome life. Decent parents, two awesome best friends – Johnny, Nicole, you this is you – and a pretty rad boyfriend. Im able to pursue my art in piece, with much support from people online and off. I have 24/7 access to Vocaloid.
But im restless.
I cant help but wonder if this is all that there is. Doodling up pictures, listening to Japanese music, role playing and joking about imaginary pool parties with friends.
Because I really am starting to think that this is all that I'll have.
Im doing terrible in school. Terrible, terrible. Im determined to do better. I am. I just don't know if I've got what it takes.
Then, I think to myself.... what does it matter?
Society has made good grades and the like a huge deal. Like it's all that matters in life. And what do you get in the end? A piece of paper saying that you know stuff? Stuff that is NEVER going to help you?
I love school. I love learning. I love knowledge. I love the feeling that I get when I remember something – relevant or not.
But im starting to wonder if it really matters.
It's late. Im tired. But the pain in my abdomen refuse to allow me to sleep.
It really really stinks.
I wonder, sometimes, if I have what it takes to make it in the art world.
If my little anime-esque stuff is really relevant, really that appealing. Ive been reading more and more about how having anime as your main, real, personal style can seriously cripple you from other forms of art – forms of art that I want and need to learn if I am going to succeed in video game design. I love anime, and I love drawing it.... well....
well, I thought I did.
I don't really know anymore.
Regarding the drawing part, of course. Im NEVER going to stop WATCHING anime or reading manga. Im too far gone for that.
I...........think I want to stop drawing anime and move on to something more original. You, the people still reading this, have probably noticed that ive been playing with a new style lately. It's Vasquez inspired. And it's fun to draw. I mean, im not gonna adopt it as my new style or anything, but I like it.
And...... well, drawing anime is getting repetitive for me.
I hate it, but it's true.
Either that, or im suffering a HUGE ASS art block.
I don't know.
I don't know much of anything.
These are really just the mindless ramblings of an angsty teenager in an angsty mood angsting to her fellow angst-ees.
Im so tired with it all. All the hate in the world.
I love my parents, but... they just........ don't understand. It's not that I think im smarter than them – I know im not. I just think that we think very differently. Very. Differently.
I mean, I sit around and philosophize for hours at a time about things that I doubt they even think about – like the shape of a leaf, or if air had a form, an actual, solid form, what it would look like. Then I try to draw, to sketch, to do something, but find that.... ive no skill to do such thing. Ive put too much thought, too much energy, into copying the look of others' work. There's a fine line between learning from a master and copying their style.... and I think im living on that line, if I haven't crossed it already.
In short.... im disappointed in myself, and how my style has progressed. And I don't think I want to do video game design any more, and ive been so pressed and ready for that.
Im just.... so confused.
I wish that my brain would stop letting me think these things. It's putting me in a sad mood. And I'm RARELY in a genuine, real, sad mood.
My head hurts. It's really annoying.
I find everything so repetitive these days.... so... predictable. So overused.
I don't want to be like that. I don't want to think like that, and I don't want my art to be like that.
By the time I post this, I'll probably be out of this funk. I'll probably be back to my happy go lucky, random, yaoifangirling self. So don't worry. I'll be fine.
But as I listen to the tap-tap-taping of the keyboard, feel an emptiness envelope my mind and thoughts......
I'll be fine later.
But right now, im not.
Im so scared. So scared that I will become nothing more than another one of those people who had big, unrealistic dreams, dreams that they never end up reaching.
I have high hopes for others, yet I have next to none for myself. It's troubling, actually, how little I believe in myself. I always speak of my future, what it will be like......but I feel, deep in my heart, that it is all for naught.
And im afraid that im starting to believe it.
You know what? I bet im thinking all of this because it's summer vacation, and I have nothing better to do.
Damn. I hate it.
I hate it so much.
I hate thinking this way. I hate feeling this way. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I hate angsting. It's so pointless. I could be spending my time doing something much more productive.
Then again, what would I be doing? more repetitive drawings?
….....this is getting tiresome.
I wish to create something that is MINE. Something more than just an oc for an anime, something more than just fan art.... because in the end, it does nothing for me. It is useless. I mean, it's practice, sure, but do I really gain anything from it? I don't think I do.
I want something great, something life changing, to come from my art. And I don't feel that im achieving that right now........
the question is, of course, this; can I think up something worth sharing? Can I possibly think up anything like that? Do I have the intelligence, the talent, the means to do so?
I think I do. Maybe. I hope to God that I do.
Because without my art... I don't really have anything to live for.
That scares me.
That scares me because it's more true than anything else in the world.
If I didn't have my art, the thrill of pencil to paper, the thought of creating something new each time I did so, I probably would have left this plane of existence a looong time ago.
…....yeah, THIS is why I shouldn't be allowed to stay up past 1 AM.
Note to my friends, there.
I think I will force myself to sleep. Maybe my crazy ass cat, Roxas, WONT attack my hands tonight and I'll actually be able to fall asleep within 3 hours.
If not, I'll watch some Robotech.
I do hope that nothing I wrote offended anyone – as Ive said various times, this is merely the mindless, angsty, that-time-of-the-month cramps, sleep deprived thoughts of my head meats. Ignore it as much as you wish – I wont remember typing this when I wake up tomorrow.... err... today
anyone else pumped for Green Lantern? I know I am.
Sucks I wont be able to see it in theaters.
I miss my boyfriend. It's lonely here.
Brandie Cammack (4:36 AM)